One day I will break free
By Justin Poublon
September 12, 2019 - 10:59 AM CST | 69 0
To be totally honest..I've dreaded this day for a very long time. I've cringed at the thought. Gasped loudly. "Okay, here we go". This weather thing that I'm super passionate about and would do regardless, now I have bring money into it? Stupid fucking money as always. I struggled for a long time on how to write this story. What should I say? What's the right thing to say? It always turns so personal.
GOING WAY BACK
This has always been out of my control.
In 1996 when I was five years old; the Oakfield F-5 tornado. Not just seeing but feeling the danger in the sky. The raw power. Seeing the damage days after. Or when I was 10 years old. The worst storm in Oshkosh history hit and that tree nearly killed us. In 2009 when I started chasing storms in Wisconsin; I chased a storm for the first time because I broke up with my girlfriend and there was nothing left for me to do. Almost like it was perfectly laid out. When I witnessed the Fairdale EF4 tornado in 2015; I simply felt drawn to the situation. Or the Chetek EF3 tornado in 2017; when I could just feel something big was about to happen. I just had to be there.
Nowhere else I'd rather be. Most chase days are like that, honestly. Sure nothing might happen; but something might. I just feel drawn in. Whatever it is; doesn't really matter as long as I'm there. It sucks me in every time. Weather possess me. My spirit takes control. I feel alive. I feel me.
Honestly all of them; all 272 storm intercepts in the last 10 years...
Money had nothing to do with it.
Turning this into a career was always plan B. A rainy day fund. I wouldn't go this route unless I absolutely had to because I knew how hard it would be. It's impossible. Nobody has done this before. Instead I would take my time. Develop my skills. Develop the tools. Fail & suck a lot. Really suck at it for awhile. Make changes. Build a following. Demonstrate the skills. Work day and night. On my own free time. Back in college; when all my friends were out drinking...I was at my computer writing c# code to generate maps.
In my early 20's; after college. I finally found that comfy job they always told me to find. I got married. Bought my first house. Had a kid. All those dreams were filled. (happily married btw!)
Okay, now what? What do I do next? Work 30 years until I retire. Are you serious?? Is this seriously what everyone dreams of? Where do I go from here? Mid-life crisis at 27.
A bunch of things started happening.
At first I tried to live life the same way as before. My free time was decreasing exponentially and things could never be the same. I thought the easiest thing to do was get more people involved and try to spread out the work load. In fall 2019 I asked around. Anyone want to join Wisconsin Weather and work together?
Nobody wants to help. Seriously? What the hell is wrong with everyone that they never want to help me?
I wasn't happy. I was lost. I fell into a vacuum. I couldn't relate to anyone. Nothing was worth talking about. Depression. I felt useless. Don't talk to me. Nobody could help me. Nobody could tell me what to do next. Why don't I fit in? Why is this always so hard?
That's when it finally hit me.
This was the only way to see my purpose. Weather WAS my life purpose. I could not be replaced. Nobody could do this except me. This is what I'm meant to do. This is the path I'm meant to take. I was unique. I could not be replaced. This is how I will help the world.
I became critical of society, my job, everything. And everything changed. No matter how hard I tried: I simply could not "just do my job". What is the purpose? Something was fundamentally different now. I couldn't refresh another excel spreadsheet. I couldn't go to another meeting.
I need to follow this weather path. This is the only challenge with pursuing.
I woke up.
There is nothing that could replace my fascination for weather and storm chasing.
No amount of money.
No amount of savings
No amount of responsibility.
No amount of possessions
No amount of religion
No amount of free happy hour mixers.
No amount of bar food.
No amount of inspirational music.
No amount of vacations to Florida.
No amount of children, pets, dogs.
No amount of Sunday football.
No amount of running laps around the neighborhood.
No amount of fancy cars.
No amount of designer clothes.
No amount of beach time
It will never be enough. And to pretend like 30 yrs of working a meaningless job for the comfort of a nice retirement would be insanity! I was living everyone else's american dream. That's why they call it a dream right? And it pissed me off that nobody could tell me to look within sooner. Make me believe in me. Help me see myself. Point out my talents and skills. Square peg. Round hole. And they were shoving me in; jamming me through. Done with it. Done waiting.
THIS IS MY PERSONAL LIFE CHALLENGE
Turning WISCONSINWX.COM into a business is just the next step/challenge in my life. The time is now. Wait for what?
Like graduating college, getting married, buying a house, having kids. Finding the best way to bring my unique skills and talents to serve the world is my main objective. Finding my purpose and serving it. Shouldn't that be high on everyone's radar?
I think life gets in the way. People seek the path of least resistance instead of following their passion. They are enslaved by society. But I won't give up. I won't sell my soul. I won't settle. I will take the risk. I will pay the price. Not for someone else's dream. Only my own.
WHERE I BELONG
It doesn't matter what I'm doing as long as I'm here. Right in the middle of it. And it doesn't matter how long it takes. I will still be here. I know eventually I will find my way or die trying.
The hardest things are the most rewarding.
I don't seek the easiest path in my own life anymore. I invest in myself. I will take responsibility for myself. I refuse to be told how things should be; how I should live my life. I don't have all the answers..those will become evident over time. Nobody will understand my struggles.
And most of all; I want to do it because it's my challenge and I want to.
It shouldn't be to get back at those who doubted me or play the victim card. They don't deserve it. But that's why it gets so personal because I will never be able to escape it. The weather community is broken. They buried me. We have a bunch of empty shells running the NWS/TV mainstream. They don't see passion. We don't understand each other. They WILL NOT respect me. So I will go earn that respect; not from them but from YOU. We will crush them.
Maybe it's just me being me. Not able to fit in so I create a new place that for others like me?
SHEDDING MY SKIN
I'm trying to shed my old skin. Looking back I've never been me. Me has always been hidden by insecurity. I feel the weight of all the previous me's pulling me back. Dark shadows griping my shoulders. The weight of everyone's opinion. What is he doing? are you crazy? Most of the time no matter how hard I push I can't break free.
The biggest battles are waged in our own heads. Everyday my mission is to destroy the voice holding me back. You're not good enough. It's too hard. Just do it the easy way. You can't do this. You can't do that. I look to the moments that bring me life and keep the faith; that one day I can finally be me.
There is day coming where it will all make sense.
One day I will break free.